I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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