Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
