she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
