My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
