I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
