1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
