I puked a lego.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
