Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
