And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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