george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
