You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize