I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
