Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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