I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You can't motorboat a personality
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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