the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
