She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
