it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
