Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
