This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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