She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
