I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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