im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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