Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
