do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
