im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
