Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize