he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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