proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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