My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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