So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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