I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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