Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
