bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
