The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
