They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
