just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
