Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
