You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
