Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
