Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize