just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
