hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
