My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
These tits shall not be calmed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
