We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
