why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
