If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
