First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize