My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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