Have you finally orgasmed yet?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
