Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
