we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
