Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm like, not good at living.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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