Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I intend to get homeless drunk
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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