I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize