I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Vodka?
Forever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
