did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
