Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
