everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
