Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize