Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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