she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
