I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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