not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I just sharted jello shots
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