Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize